So, I was in the store the other day, where they had a display of about 10 different kinds of apples. Gala, Fuji, Pink Lady, Macintosh…the list goes on. I headed straight for the bin with my favorite bright green beauties- Granny Smith.

And I made:

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The Most Epic Pie EVER.

Now, before we start, lets just level here. Nowhere in the title of this blog do you see the words "diet", "light", "low-fat", or "heart disease prevention". I own exercise equipment, I use it, but damn it all, I like my bacon and I like my desserts. I figure it's all about balance. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical, and I ate a salad for dinner, now I can make a pie with 5 billion pounds of butter in it. Eat your heart out, Paula Deen.

This recipe requires you to cook your apples first. I hate half-cooked apples. I either want my apples completely cooked or raw, none of this half-cooked nonsense. And, well, it's a pie, so they need to be cooked.

What You'll Need:

  • 10-12 medium Granny Smith apples (I guess you can use another type, but I like how well they hold up) peeled, cored, and sliced into thin slices.
  • 2lbs (yes, that's not a typo. 2 POUNDS) of light brown sugar
  • 3 sticks of butter (1 1/2 cups) butter
  • Vanilla (I don't know, however much you like- I probably used about 3 Tbsps)
  • 1 Tbsp Cinnamon
  • Dash of salt
  • 2 prepared pie crusts (I like this recipe– only made with butter, but you can use whatever you like)
  • An egg white
  • A deep-dish pie plate
  • (optional) A defribrillator

What You'll Do:

In a large pot, melt the butter. After it's melted, add in the sugar, vanilla, cinnamon and dash of salt and let them liquefy (this is a good time to work on those apples). It will be a thick, dark brown liquid. Add your apples, stir to coat them, put a lid on your pot, and turn the heat to low (like low-low. A 1 on my stove.).

Go do something for an hour. If you own exercise equipment, now is a good time to use it, so you can cancel out the pie you'll be eating later.

Now, turn your oven to 350 and line your pie plate with the bottom crust and spread egg white all through the bottom. Using a ladle, spoon your apples into your pie shell, draining excess liquid out (and back into the pot) as you go. Your apples should be slightly mounded when you're done, but nothing excessive. Roll out your other pie crust and, if you want, use a small cookie cutter to cut out a hole- I used my Ikea squirrel. Place the crust on top, pinch closed on the sides, and cut holes in the top to vent. Place your pie in the middle of the oven (and you'll probably want to stick some foil or a cookie sheet on the rack below) and bake for 45-60 minutes or until your crust is golden brown.

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Now, what do you do with all that leftover apple caramel sauce? I mean, to toss it out would be just plain criminal. If I could make it into a candle, I would, but I've never gotten into candle-making. What to do…

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Make walnut-caramel topping, of course!

What You'll Need:

  • 1/2 cup flour
  • 1 cup walnuts pieces (or pecans, whatever you like)

What You'll Do:

Add in your walnuts and flour, turn the heat up to medium, and whisk until well-incorporated. Let it heat, but not boil, and it's done when it coats the back of a spoon. It tastes like a caramel-covered apple, only better.

Now serve up your pie and top it with ice cream and caramel sauce. And it's made with apples, which are totally healthy. And it's made with love, which is completely fat-free.

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