So, I went to the eye doctor today (yes, I'm writing about this, bear with me here). $260 later (my insurance covers a vision exam and NOTHING else), I am the proud owner of a new prescription for Acuvue Oasys Contacts and some new glasses that I get to pick up tomorrow afternoon. My new glasses are awesome. I cannot wait to get them.

It really about time I got new glasses. My last eye exam was either in '06 or '07 and I got glasses then, but my beloved Seamus flushed them down the toilet about a year or so ago. Since then, I've been using the glasses I got before we moved to Japan (and we moved there in '04). Well, while they're fine for around the house, I was beginning to notice that if I went out with them on, I couldn't see. Whatever, it'll all be over tmw- you can bet I won't be tossing/donating/breaking these old glasses, though. Not since Mommy's Glasses vs. Toilet '08. The toilet won, man. The toilet always wins.

My contacts, though, are fan-freaking-tastic. I never knew it was possible to not feel the contacts on your eye. I remember being in high school and wearing Bausch & Lomb Soft Contact Lenses. The kind that came in the little glass vials, like this:

BTW, I got that image from here. If you're bored, it's pretty interesting. Fun fact: the contacts pictured expired when I was five.

Apparently soft contact lenses are so old and outdated that (1) they're no longer made and (2) no one bothered to take a semi-decent photograph when they were. Eh.

Anyway, I vividly remember asking for contacts for my 16th birthday. And this was before the age of disposable contacts.

This is actually 17-year-old Shanna, but it's the oldest picture of me in existence (that I'm aware of, anyway) on the interwebz. I'm on the far left. I cannot believe my mother let me wear that color.

The year before, when  got my driving permit, I had gotten glasses and I was sick of it. I needed contacts and I needed them RIGHT NOW. I remember getting out of school early on my birthday and my dad taking me to Sears Optical Center in Bel-Air Mall. I remember how excited I was…I remember how nervous I was…I also remember what I was wearing: a purple short sleeve turtleneck (don't judge me, they were cool then) and jeans.  I remember being called back and being made to do a series of tests that I thought were dumb. I looked at a machine with an image of a hot air balloon…and read the letters…and did all that better 1, better 2 crap…and it was all fine and good until…THEY VICIOUSLY ATTACKED MY EYE WITH A BLAST PUFF OF AIR! What is WRONG with you, crazy Glaucoma-testing lady?!? That is one of the most evil things you can do to someone, I swear to God. I still fear that damn puff. In fact, today I had to hold my left eye open with my fingers to get through it. That puff ranks right up there with latex balloons for me- and that's saying a lot. I also remember how expensive those things were! Like $80 per contact, and you needed 2…well, unless you were a cyclops. I imagine a cyclops would need a toric lens, though. They're bigger. I got 2 pair: one clear and one colored blue. I still to this day cannot explain why I got blue contacts. I have blue eyes, it really makes no sense. Either way, I got my contacts and my silver 1985 Volvo. I was hot stuff, I tell you what.

Or not.

Speaking of eye doctors, why do they all seem to have ridiculous names for their stores? Around here, we have Eye to Eye (the place I went), Hour Eyes (ba-dum-cha!), and….wait for it…. Gilligan's EyeLand (I'm dead serious, which is why I included a map. Apparenly Dr. Gilligan doesn't have a website.). I mean, the doctor I went to was fine, I liked her a lot and I liked their selection of glasses, but do we REALLY have to resort to cheesy puns to sell eyewear? I thought eyewear was one of those things that sold itself. You can't see, you get glasses. The end. I wonder if anyone ever writes down on those office forms that say things like Question 576: What made you choose Eye for an Eye for your Optometry needs today?, "Your name made me giggle"? My answers are usually well thought-out and eloquent. Such as: "Tricare said I had to." or "You were the cheapest place with the best reputation." Or, like the psychiatrist I had to see before my surgery in October, "You had an opening before anyone else and you have a reputation signing anything shoved in front of your grease-stained tie. Now sign here, here, and here and initial here."

You wish you had such a way with words, dontcha?